Things she effing loves: Boys who are amazing...

In February 2009, just months before meeting yours truly, my epic love Sandlot wrote a blog dissertation on the type of boy she would dearly fall for. Three years later, with Valentine's Day just around the corner, how does her real partner in crime stack up to these lofty expectations?

1. Boys who are artistically inclined are amazing. Guys who can man a one-person band, are aspiring photographers, can dance or draw without being such an artist about it are pretty much amazing. If you can do all of the above, i will personally start up your own fan club (buttons included).

While, like any good Chinese kid, I played piano until Grade 8, I can barely pound out a scale anymore. I did buy a guitar with the aim of impressing Sandlot, but never managed to learn more than two chords. My artistic endeavors are limited to chibi doodles and my photography tends to consist of a smart phone and some soft blur. As for dancing, I can DDR. Does that count? I guess this explains why my fan club doesn't have buttons.

2. If you smoke, cuss like a sailor or have tattoos, then you are amazing. It's has nothing to do with the vice itself, but everything to do with the fact that you send out a big "eff you" to the system. I probably wouldn't date you, but i still think that you're motherfucking amazing.

I don't smoke or have tattoos, but on the plus side my chance of dying of lung cancer is much lower, and my ability to step into an MRI scanner without having my skin burned off is much higher. It's ironic that Sandlot, in effect, ended up dating probably the most compulsive rule follower ever. I'd also like to note, that when I do cuss people out like a sailor, Sandlot really dislikes it. I guess she's either grown up or... she lied!

3. Boys who are articulate and eloquent speakers are amazing. This is only to benefit and make up for my personal bouts of social awkwardness.

Finally, something I can pretend I'm good at! Despite having sometimes been called a human dictionary, my recent CaRMS interview tour hasn't exactly made me feel like a Barrack Obama level public speaker.

4. If you own a blog, you are amazing.

Check, check, and check.

5. Boys who are academic intellects are amazing. BA.MA.PH.D.MD. The more letters you have affixed to the end of your name, the greater the possibility that i will love you. Academic snobbery gives me the warm fuzzies on the inside. That, and i envision having such incredibly brilliant child prodigies who will eventually be shipped off to Mrs. Norton's Academy for Gifted Kids and Intellectual Geniuses because the public school system can't handle their profound intelligence.

While I might one day (with any luck) have some of these letters affixed to the end of my name, I'm not entirely sure I want a genius kid named Harvey's. We'll have to talk about that.

6. Boys who are ambitious are amazing. I find it strange that ambition tends to get such a bad rep because personally speaking, i would rather date the keener sitting in the first row of class with the 10-year plan then the dude who graduated university two years ago and is still working at pizza hut.

If by ambition, you mean achieving the rank of Commander in Halo: Reach and starting up a DDR Club in my alma mater, then yes, I've got that covered. At least, I don't see any Pizza Hut in my future... unless it's in my tummy!

7. Boys who are elitist about their music are amazing. If your taste in music is so obscure that even the members of your favourite band can't recall being in the band, or if you own the entire Billy Joel collection and know all the lyrics to "We Didn't Start the Fire", then you are amazing.

This is probably my biggest failure. The most obscure my music tastes dabble with is Linkin Park, but I can probably sing along to all the words of Avril Lavigne's Sk8er Boi. Maybe opposites can attract after all...

So that’s it. If you fall into all of these categories then i fucking love you and want to be your best friend, even if don’t know you.

So that's it, I can dubiously slot myself into 4/7 of Sandlot's pre-dating man-requisites. I've done the math, and that makes me only 57% of the man she envisioned herself ending up with!

Despite the discrepancy and the fact that I'm still trying to talk this girl out of sky diving, she is absolutely the one for me. So the question is... Will you be my Valentine, Sandlot?

The Small World of Drama

So, after a long hiatus from Japanese drama (since Crunchyroll went legit and stopped carrying it), I've finally swung back into action. Because I'm a total girl romantic, I picked up a romantic comedy called Boku to Star no 99 Nichi - which I think translates roughly to something like "My 99 Days with a Star". I've only watched one episode so far, but I'm already getting excited for this show. It looks like it has the whimsical over-the-top comedy that I tend to appreciate in Japanese TV with less of the circular self-inflicted plot devices that Korean drama are known for.

The show follows a Korean popstar who is making her Japanese debut. She is assigned a bodyguard from a private firm. Her bodyguard has a strong sense of justice, but unlike most men is totally not interested in the popstar (which makes him perfect to fall in love with her as the show progresses). To complicate things, her co-star (a celebrated Japanese actor) has a huge crush on her, and she herself is looking for "someone" (long lost lover?). Love quadrangle!

What really struck me though, is that even though I've watched such a pithy number of Japanese drama, they all seem to intersect based on their star power. Also, while the same has not been true of the Korean drama I've watched, with this show, my Korean and Japanese drama experiences have also started to meld. It's uncanny! Let me demonstrate:

I have watched a total of 4 Japanese drama to date.

1. Hanazakari no Kimitachi e (or Hana Kimi) - is about a girl who pretends to be a boy to attend an all boys school in Japan to try and help her hero, a former star athlete, return to glory. The dorm leader is played by Mizushima Hiro.


2. Mizushima Hiro appeared unwittingly again as a major love interest in another drama I watched, Zettai Kareshi, about a robot who is designed to be the ultimate boyfriend. The engineer for this robot is played by Sasaki Kuranosuke. The leading girl is played by Aibu Saki.


3. Sasaki Kuranosuke also played an Internist in the third drama I watched, Iryu (Team Medical Dragon) - a medical drama about a master surgeon. Again completely accidental.


4. I followed Aibu Saki over to the drama Attention Please, a show about Japan Airlines flight attendants.

Now in Boku to Star no 99 Nichi, Sasaki Kuranosuke follows me for a third time, playing the famed Japanese drama star. What's more, the Korean popstar is played by Kim Tae Hee (the Son Yeh Jin wannabe) who played Seung Hee in... IRIS (terrible show, but one of the limited number of Korean drama I have watched)! Her fated lover is played by Korean popstar Taecyeon (a.k.a. Beast), one of the stars of Dream High, which is one of the few Korean drama on my to-watch list (because I'm a huge IU fan).

So there you have it. Although most of the time, I don't do this on purpose, the stars in the few drama I have watched continue to intersect. Either the drama acting pool is very small, or my great taste on drama prefers a particular set of talented actors. Must be that one. Hahahaha.

Evacuate the Colon

So it occurred to me today that "evacuate" doesn't usually have very positive connotations. In general usage, it usually means vacating a building due to some kind of disaster. In medicine, it generally makes me think of the bowels.

Inspired by this, I've tweaked Cascada's "Evacuate the Dancefloor" into a song about colonoscopies. The thing that really struck me while composing this was how little tweaking many of the lyrics needed to turn it from a song about clubbing to a song about bowel prep...

Oh, bring out the bedpan, let's keep off of the floor

I feel it moving, and it's coming some more

Bowels getting physical, out of control, ah

This prep is killing me, ah, here comes a number three

Through the night, can't sit quite, feel it under your skin

Time is right, keep it tight 'til you're over that bin

Wrap it up, you can't stop 'cause it feels like an enema

(Feels like an enema)

Oh, oh, evacuate the colon

Oh, oh, for my colonoscopy

Oh, oh, stop, drink down this Golytely

Hey, Dr. MD, let my bowels empty out unbound

(Everybody on the ward) Evacuate the colon

Oh, oh, for my colonoscopy

(Everybody on the ward) Stop, drink down this Golytely

Hey, Dr. MD, toilet water flushing round and round

My body's aching, toilet overload

The water's rising, I'm about to explode

Now my bum is irritated, won't stop the flow, ah

It makes me wanna cry, ah, everybody step aside

Through the night, can't sit quite, feel it under your skin

Time is right, keep it tight 'til you're over that bin

Wrap it up, you can't stop 'cause it feels like an enema

(Feels like an enema)

Oh, oh, evacuate the colon

Oh, oh, for my colonoscopy

Oh, oh, stop, drink down this Golytely

Hey, Dr. MD, let my bowels empty out unbound

(Everybody on the ward) Evacuate the colon

Oh, oh, for my colonoscopy

(Everybody on the ward) Stop, drink down this Golytely

Hey, Dr. MD, toilet water flushing round and round

Come on and evacuate, while the camera's warming up

Move on and accelerate, push it out the bum

Come on and evacuate, while the camera's warming up

Move on and accelerate, you don't have to be afraid

Now guess who's back with a brand new crap?

They got everybody on the ward going mad

So everybody in the back

Get your back up off the can and just shake that thang

Go crazy, yo lady, yo baby

Let me see you wipe that thang

Now drop it down low, low

Let me see you scope it colorectal, yo

(Everybody on the ward) Evacuate the colon

(Everybody on the ward) For my colonoscopy

(Everybody on the ward) Stop, drink down this Golytely

Hey, Dr. MD, let my bowels empty out unbound

Oh, oh, evacuate the colon

Oh, oh, for my colonoscopy

Oh, oh, stop, drink down this Golytely

Hey, Dr. MD, let my bowels empty out unbound

(Everybody on the ward) Evacuate the colon

Oh, oh, for my colonoscopy

(Everybody on the ward) Stop, drink down this Golytely

Hey, Dr. MD, toilet water flushing round and round

Arthur Christmas: Biographies

So, Sandlot and I watched the holiday cartoon Arthur Christmas today. We were hoping for something good thanks to Rotten Tomatoes having compiled a critic rating of 92% fresh and an audience rating of 82% fresh.

For those of you unaware of Arthur Christmas, the film follows Santa's family composed of Santa, his father, his wife, and his sons Arthur and Steve. Christmas has become a high tech affair, with armies of elven commandos rappelling down from the space-age SR-1 flying fortress to deliver gifts. Santa is of retirement age, with his brilliant son Steve already in a de facto leadership role while misfit Arthur bides his time in the mail room.

Having now seen the whole movie in its entirety, I'd give it a 7/10 if only because of the creative approach it took to the Santaverse (watching commando elves in action) and for the awesomeness of seeing a cartoon depiction of Toronto. I don't, however, think I would take small children to see this movie - seeing a bickering, selfish Santa clan ruling the elves as some kind of military dictatorship is hardly the kind of idea I want to instill in small people.

Seriously, the most flawed aspect of this movie are its characters, who even up to the last five minutes of the movie when the "moral of the story" is bright and shiny, still seem tremendously... bad! Let's break it down.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!

1) Arthur

Voiced by the young Professor X from X-Men: First Class, Arthur is the young and clumsy younger son of the current Santa Claus. His accident-prone nature can often be more than a mere nuisance - it's noted that he once tripped over an electrical wire leading to a disaster that flooded the elf barracks ("I lost everything in that flood!"). He also has an unhealthy dose of father-worship, which borders on obsessive.

You can tell from the beginning that Arthur is poised to become Santa - he's the underdog, he cares about the family, and most importantly he's the only one who seems concerned about keeping the spirit of giving and belief in Santa Claus alive! Even so, it's hard not to spend the whole movie hoping he won't become Santa, because frankly, he's completely useless!

In the end, it's hard to feel that Arthur deserves the Santa mantle for delivering a single present when his brother successfully delivered a billion. Yes, he has the Santa spirit, but is he really competent enough to be running the show? Hard to believe.

2) Steve

Voiced by Hugh Laurie a.k.a. House, Steve is Santa's older son. He's a technological whiz and commands the elves with the iron fist of a brilliant executive. He's the brains and the brawn behind Christmas, but cares more about efficiency and praise than about the actual children and their gifts. He has a typical materialistic attitude and is covetous of the Santa mantle. Probably, this all has to do with the fact that his father takes all the credit for his work. His pinstripe, designer Santa suit and Christmas tree beard are really a bit much.

In the end, he cedes being the next Santa, despite his father's admission that he "deserves" it. It's true he doesn't really have the same spirit as Arthur, but let's face it - he's the only one who has his sh!t together enough to run the show.

3) Grandsanta

A cantankerous and stubborn old mule who treats the elves and reindeer like furniture, this old man is completely unable to take advice and is hellbent on proving that he's not just a relic, irrespective of the consequences. Watching his sad existence sans Santa is the reason his son doesn't want to retire.

4) Santa Claus

Despite the fact that Arthur worships him as the most giving person of all, Santa is probably the most useless character in this entire movie! He's the official "Commander-in-chief", but really his son Steve has been running Christmas for years. Despite this, he refuses to step down after his requisite 70 Christmases, stubbornly clinging to the Santa mantle despite clearly being past his prime. In fact, he's quite unable to do anything on his own but continues to take credit for all of Steve's successes while placing the blame for any failures squarely on Steve's shoulders. He's a hugely negligent father, a poor leader, and (apparently) a disrespectful husband too ("And I'd like to thank my wife for doing... whatever it is women do while their husbands are at work.").

5) Bryony

Bryony is an elf, and elves are the real movers and shakers in this movie. Despite the fact that there are hundreds of them, they unwaveringly answer to Santa - flying the ship, wrapping gifts, delivering presents. Bryony is a gift-wrapping elf, but she's eager to head into the field to deliver that one missing present once it's discovered that a child has been missed. She can run as fast as Arthur can bike and she's able to offer advice when Arthur has no idea what orders to give. In other words, she could pretty much function without the Commander-in-chief.

Overall, the movie paints a pretty grim picture of the elves - subjugated slaves who do all the legwork in the Clauses' military dictatorship, with skills vastly outstripping those of their overlords, but whose psyches are entirely dependent on their benefactors. The elves at one point go into total meltdown when they think the Clauses have abandoned them.

5) Mrs. Claus

Probably the most well-rounded character in this movie, Mrs. Claus actually cares about the well-being of her family while also being on top of things - formulating a plan when Santa needs to hop into action and being level-headed enough to read the instructions while Santa is being his usual incompetent self. It's sad that she's sidelined by her ridiculous husband.

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Conclusion: Arthur Christmas was an entertaining-to-watch yet wholly frustrating movie, presenting a unique picture of Santa Claus, but reducing the Santa dynasty to a bunch of selfish, bickering good-for-nothings and placing the Santa mantle on the most useless (though warm hearted) of the bunch.

Chronicle Style

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