Sunday, September 20, 2009

The case of the mortified squirrel

The date is August 16th, 2003. Two days after the great Northeast Blackout of 2003, I awoke early in the morning and stumbled into the bathroom. Having left my corrective lenses back in the bedroom, my tragically myopic eyes struggled to adjust.

As my sluggish feet inched closer to the toilet, my eyes focused in on a dark object.

Ew, disgusting! Someone forgot to flush, was my gut reaction.

I took a step closer. The dark object began to look a bit uneven, as though bristling with fur.

Did someone drop a scarf into the toilet? I pondered.

A few more steps brought the object into focus, and clarity revealed the dark hairy object to be nothing short of an animal's tail... and attached to the tail was an actual animal - a squirrel, to be precise. Waterlogged and motionless it lay there.

"Mom! Why is there a squirrel in the toilet?!" I exclaimed groggily.

My family came running, dumbfounded by my query. On subsequent tellings of this story, my mother would express exasperation about this apparent blame that I had laid on her shoulders. But to my semi-lucid brain, if there was a squirrel in the toilet, it only made sense that someone had put it there.

My brother retrieved the corpse with barbecue tongs and gingerly disposed of it in a plastic bag. The tongs were also discarded, never to be used again. He described the said animal as being in a complete state of rigor mortis - solid as a rock.

The question that would dog us for the years to come is, How did that squirrel end up in the toilet? Many theories have been proposed. Perhaps it fell over a pipe outside and washed up. Maybe it was washed up the pipe in a storm. Yet, there the corpse lay... alone and immaculate. It did not draw with it a high water level or any other debris that might indicate it came from the outside world. One might be led to believe that it had simply appeared, as though by magic or teleportation. Thus, the case of the mortified squirrel remains one of the greatest unsolved mysteries of my not unspectacular life...

6 comments:

brutalturtle.blogspot.com said...

best. post. ever.


did you tell me about this when it happen? I don't remember hearing about it but I'm sure you did :S got a picture of that too awesome.

Joyce said...

That... is rather disturbing...
How could it possibly have gone into your pipes? o.o;;;

Michael said...

Am I the only one suspicious that this entire story was a set up by Andy because he was running out of material for his blog?!?

Catalogue of Queens said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. awesome.

a_ndy said...

@Michael: I never run out of material.

sandlot said...

BAHAHA. This is still one of my favourite posts from you.