Thursday, November 19, 2009

Protocol to my Life

A qualitative study on how to be a giant ball of stress

Principle investigator: Andy the Awesome, Colossal U
Funding sources: Mr. Christie

Rationale and background information
School is a painful, never-ending blight on my life. In the words of that guy from Saved by the Bell, "School would be great if all those classes didn't get in the way" (1). Between the months of August and November, stress and unhappiness have risen in prevalence from 10% to 99%. Anxiety has become a major public health epidemic that must be addressed.

  1. Saved by the Bell [homepage on the Internet]. Everywhere: Wikipedia. c2009 [cited 19 Nov 2009]. Available from:
Study goals and objectives
To make Andy a happy camper again.

Study design
We plan to restore happy camper status by eating lots of cookies and hanging out with awesome people.

We plan to use a reliable and validated method as described by Awesome et al., 2009.

Safety considerations
Over-ingestion of cookies can lead to post-prandial fatigue, gastrointestinal discomfort, and emesis. Pepto Bismol prophylaxis may be indicated in severe cases.

A 5-point Likert scale will be used to evaluate persistent satisfaction with cookies.

Data management and statistical analysis
An analysis of variance (ANOVA) will be conducted to determine whether ingestion of cookies interact significantly with either anxiety or happiness.

Quality assurance
This study comes with an AndyLand stamp of approval. Nuff said.

Expected outcomes of the study
One satisfying tummy ache and a multiplication of awesomeness.

Dissemination of results and publication policy
Two words: Nature Medicine.

Duration of the project
Until the balance of awesomeness is restored.

Problems anticipated
My Community Health course cutting into my cookie-research and awesome-people-hanging-out time.

Project management
Investigator: Andy the Awesome. Tis all.

There are some ethical concerns with force feeding people cookies.

Informed consent forms
...are so long I know you're not going to read them anyways. Bollocks to that, just sign your name.

1 comment:

sandlot said...

There are some ethical concerns with force feeding people cookies. "

hahahahahahaa. oh dear. REB won't be too please about this.