Sunday, November 29, 2009

Queen of lies

So on Thursday, I wrote about how my alma mater, Queen's University, probably the greatest school on God's green earth (as evidenced by the fact that we have a theme song in Gaelic, sang God Save the Queen at convocation, and have a Royal Charter), has been working hard to solicit donations from we the unemployed alumni of yore. This plea was punctuated with caringly handwritten notes from current Queen's students... or so I thought!

Ruru, after seeing my own note from Victoria, ArtSci '10 [here], began to question the handwritten authenticity of these solicitations. It was a tough sell: the lettering had certainly been done by hand, and the crisp, matte, black ink had all the hallmarks of a high quality pen and excellent penmanship. The message was even presented on a slight slant, with none of the artificial perfection expected from computerized print-offs. It looked convincingly handcrafted.

Requiring further corroboration of Ruru's wild theory, I asked her to scan in her own money-grubbing alumnus communique. Sure enough, superimposed with my own, they matched up letter for letter. Note the perfect alignment as the tail of the "e" penetrates the loop of the "a" or the identical asymmetry of the double-L in "Cha Gheill" (pronounced: kay-yah). These were unique slips of hand that would never be duplicated in perfection twice.

(If you don't believe me, try the following experiment: Draw a circle on paper, and then try to trace that same circle over and over. You'll find no matter how perfectly you trace the circle, it will start thickening. No human being can write the same thing precisely the same way twice, even with the template in front of them. And if you're wondering about the vanishing tail for the "u" in "us", I double-checked my original note and it does in fact exist. I don't know why it didn't show up in the scan)

We'd been scammed.

So while Sandlot and other Queen's alumni were throwing their figurative hats into the air in celebration of the Golden Gaels once-in-a-lifetime national football triumph in bringing home the Vanier Cup (okay, that's pretty cool... I'll admit) and brimming with school pride, I was brooding about the deceitfulness of my alma mater's fundraising.

I mean, it's one thing to send me a printed letter... but to so sneakily try to pass it off as a painstakingly handwritten product? That's incredibly lame. To think I had credited Victoria, ArtSci '10 with the time consuming task of writing hundreds, possibly thousands of these little notes when in actuality she had written just one. Ridiculous.

This is not the only lamesauce thing my school has done to we the alumni (I never get tired of saying that). For instance, while other schools gave their undergraduate students meaningful educational addresses like, Queen's assigned us the equivalent of a barcode, composed of our initials plus an assortment of numbers corresponding to our entry year and the number of people who shared our initials (e.g. One would think that if we were going to be assigned such a horrific sounding address, it could at least be ours for life, no? Not so. Come March after graduation, our undergraduate e-mail accounts are deactivated. In lieu of this, we were given access to a permanent forwarding address... with the domain Wtfux is with the tricolour shoved in there? Did I go to university with Rainbow Brite? Okay, I realize that we have a triumvirate of school colours, and that's all very nice, but I do not work for the school yearbook nor in chartered bus ticket sales. Please, give me a more legitimate sounding e-mail like

So the conclusion of the matter? In school spirit, Queen's is King; in practical things, just a pauper.


sandlot said...

"{were given access to a permanent forwarding address... with the domain Wtfux is with the tricolour shoved in there? Did I go to university with Rainbow Brite?"


my sentiment exactly. thank goodness for grad school email addresses or else in 4 months time, i will have to revert back to using an email address that i came up with back in grade 7. hahaha. =P

Joyce said...

Hahahah i can't believe it took so much convincing for you to believe me!!

And bwaaah? Not that i want a Rainbow Brite email, but i didn't know we could even get an alumni email! Well, whatever. i have my UT one now, as much as i dislike

Joyce said...

P.S. i told you so. 8D;;;