Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I got 99 problems

The first-year charity committee is running a fundraiser via matchmaker questionnaire. This year's survey was not of the one-size-fits-all high school variety (last year a similar fundraiser had us bubble in whether we were in grade 9, 10, 11, or 12). Rather, it was heavily individualized to our medical school experience.

When I arrived at question 19, my brain chuckled a bit, and I shared the following text message with my girlfriend, Sandlot:

Q19. I got 99 problems, but the following isn't one: 1 bling, 2 cash-money, 3 ride, 4 significant other. A = 4. Sandlot trumps ride.

While I thought this was a relatively straightforward gesture, I could not have predicted the lively debate that it would spark about the meaning of the question, and more fundamentally, the meaning of Jay-Z's lyrics.

Sandlot: Lol. I think #4 means u don't have a s/o.

Andy: Ah, I see what you mean, but I don't think that makes sense. If a ride is not your problem it means you have one right?

Sandlot: Hmm your interpretation makes sense as well. I guess I interpreted s/o to be a problem a la Jay-Z.

Andy: Is that what he means? I always thought that meant he was so fly that he has no problem getting it on.

Sandlot: No. I don't think that's what he meant. Haha listen to the song again. You should ask J-Rock, he seems gangster enough to know. Lolll

Andy: But what about Beyonce? I can ask J-rock, but remember his fav bands include BSB, Britney, and Kelly Clarkson. Plus, he does not listen to words.

To the culturally inept, the song in question is Jay-Z's 99 Problems. In it, he opens with the line,

If you're having girl problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one

Now I have to admit, I can't always understand what this man says. Thus, since forever, I've thought this song read, "I've got 99 problems but a f*ck ain't one." In other words, "I feel bad that you have to bitch about girl problems - I've got real problems, but son, girls aren't among them."

Even so, I think my interpretation still stands. J-Rock agreed.

Andy: J-Rock thinks the same thing I do - that Jay-Z doesn't have trouble getting laid. We're looking up the lyrics now.

Sandlot: What? U guys are both fail.

Harsh words. So harsh. J-Rock and I went to Stewie for another word, since despite J-Rock's Scarborough upbringing, Stewie seemed much more likely to have the culturally appropriate answer.

Andy: Hey, you know that Jay-Z song 99 Problems? The line, "I got 99 Problems but a bitch ain't one"... what do you think that means?

Stewie: It means he doesn't have a bitch to be a problem.

Andy: Really?

Stewie: Why, what do you think it means? That he does have one?

Andy: Well, yeah.

Stewie: Well, as in he doesn't have a bitch. He still has girls, and he sleeps with them. He just doesn't have one that bitches (gestures towards Yuffie). Just kidding!

This explanation fell somewhere between Sandlot's and mine - Jay-Z didn't have girl problems, and he didn't have a bitch, but he did have girls.

For her part, Sandlot rescinded her confidence:

Hmm the braintrust at songmeanings.com has conflicting viewpoints as well. Dunno! *shrugs*

There's a website called songmeanings.com? In any case, I think this warrants her taking back that hurtful and premature "fail."

What do you guys think? Does having 99 problems but a bitch ain't one mean that a) there is no bitch or that b) Jay-Z don't take no bitchin' from his girl?

Similarly, does having 99 problems but a significant other isn't one mean that a) I don't have a significant other or that b) I don't have to worry about a s/o because I already have (a wonderful) one?

Share your two cents in the comment box below!

Monday, April 26, 2010

In need of anti-pyresis

With prepubescent teenage popstar Justin Bieber trending on Twitter worldwide everyday, this boy has accumulated quite the obsessive little fangirls. Someone seriously needs to start working on a treatment for this so-called Bieber Fever (several orders of magnitude more insidious than Giardia) because these cretins are becoming more rabid than Old Yeller.

I have my suspicions that my girlfriend may also be infected. When marking essay exam questions as part of her TA-ship, she stumbled upon a young lad whose answer to world inequality and poverty was, "Justin Bieber should not exist." Fair enough, right? She almost failed him.

Today, in possibly one of the most deceptively titled articles ever, the CBC reported on "Bieber's Aussie show cancelled by fan crush." Because I like to keep an eye on this sixteen-year-old love rival, I clicked the link, expecting to see that Bieber's concert had been canceled over some crazy twenty-three-year-old stalker or some such thing. In fact, the concert was not canceled due to a "fan crush" but rather due to "fans being crushed."

Yes, apparently those teen Aussie girls got so excited that they trampled over one another in a mad rush to see B-boy and secure his affections.

By 3 a.m. local time Monday, police estimated that a crowd of more than 3,000 fans — mostly young teenage girls — were pushing up against the safety barriers. The number later grew to an estimated 5,000 fans.

Dyspnea is a well-documented symptom of Bieber Fever. It results from centrally-mediated respiratory dysfunction secondary to frontal lobe damage.

According to reports, eight fans were taken to hospital for minor injuries, while dozens of others were treated on-site for hyperventilation.

For his part, Bieber didn't seem distressed that his crazy fangirls were bludgeoning each other underfoot, nor did he seem to express any concern about his eight potential lovers that were hospitalized (I guess there's 4992 where those came from). Instead, he confessed his dismay that this unfortunate distraction had prevented him from serenading the crowd. Obviously, he would have been content to continue singing with eight fewer fans.

The 16-year-old Bieber posted a message about his disappointment at the cancellation on Twitter.

"I woke up this morning to the police cancelling the show for safety reasons," he wrote. "I love it here in Australia ... and I want to sing."

I blame society for this epidemic. Seriously parents, you need to take preventative measures! Vaccinate your children against Bieber Fever or treat them symptomatically with close follow-up. This, incidentally, is how I'm treating Sandlot's chronic infection.

Police blamed lack of parental supervision and the disorderly crowd for the crush, with Deputy Police Commissioner Dave Owens describing the situation as out of control.

Bieber has more fans than Bono - or at least, his fans are nuttier.

"We hired the professionals who look after U2, Coldplay, Pink — the big acts," Sunrise weather presenter Grant Denyer told the Australian Broadcasting Corporation.

"Even they weren't equipped and just couldn't handle the Bieber fever."

Dear AstraZeneca or GlaxoSmithKline - you heard it first here: Get on this epidemic before it gets out of hand and you will have a lucrative patent on your hands. Fail to react, and we are all doomed.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I feel like a pretender

So, this afternoon I hopped the shuttle from my home hospital to its affiliate hospital for a small group learning session. It's worth noting that this was only my third time in the affiliate hospital - I had been there once for a small group learning session like this one and once to hand in a paper.

As I was waiting for my session to begin, I ducked out to use the little boys' room (of note: the only restroom on the floor is awkwardly situated in a patient waiting room - "Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I'm not here to see you, just using the john"). When I stepped out of the washroom, a woman immediately ran up to me and exclaimed, "You! You work here - I'm looking for the Gynecology department but I got out on the wrong floor!"

Bewildered and ambushed I stammered, "Oh, I don't actually work here..."

"Great! So you're just wearing a badge..." she retorted, throwing her arms up into the air.

"Ac- actually, I work at- I'm more at [Home] hospital. But where are you trying to go?"

"Gynecology. I wrote down 6th, but obviously, I wrote it wrong because well, this isn't it!"

I furtively looked around for someone who actually worked in this hospital or at least was based at it for their clinical training. I briefly considered running down the hall to ask my peers, but they were pretty far away.

"Well, maybe I'll just take the stairs," she continued. "It'll probably be faster. Do you know where those are?"

"Um... I think that they're down that way," I answered cautiously, gesturing down the hall.

It reminds me of my training this summer at HUMP where we had to tour the hospital because wearing our badges around, people will gravitate towards us for answers. To be honest though, even at my home hospital, I still wouldn't have been able to tell anyone where the gynecology department was, though I do have a better command of the floor plan.

My bad?

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Don't you put it in your mouth

...that's what she said.

So this weekend, Sandlot took a trip back to our alma mater of Queen's University for a final spin around the neighbourhood of Kingston, Ontario. While at a friend's house, she was confronted with an uncommon conundrum. Left on her friend's doorstep had been an unsigned package of cookies with the label, "Hey girls, good luck on your exams!"

Unsigned and unnamed, a mysterious package on your doorstep? The prudent thing would be to a) not eat it or at least b) try to verify who had left it, right? Negative. Sandlot took it upon herself to eat almost the entire package of cookies and patted herself on the back after determining that they were some of the best baked goods she'd ever had the pleasure of partaking.

Now, at this point, I have to express concern. I'm rather enamored of my lovely significant other and I have to admit that this brazen and unashamed disregard for human safety has me distraught. After all, isn't not eating food of unknown origins right up there on the list of principles of common sense instilled from childhood such as, "Don't talk to strangers" and "Don't pick up needles off the ground"? I prefer my loved ones untraumatized, uninfected, undamaged, and safe. Kthx.

This ain't the Roaring Twenties anymore - this is an era of date rape drugs and anthrax laced mail items. Even if said delectable treats were safe upon delivery, who knows what could have happened while they sat there pinned to the front door?

What concerns me the most, of course, is that the tantalizingly excellent taste of this particular batch of cookies has only affirmed to my beautiful partner that she made the right choice in eating these anonymously-delivered sweetened goods. Next time, the truth may not be so delicious.

That's pretty much what Snow White did with the apple, and she was kind of stupid.

Let's face it - leaving anonymous packages in public places never does anyone any good.

Remember, boys and girls, never take anything from a stranger, and don't put things in your mouth when you don't know what they are. If you eat someone else's medicine, or some bad food, or some poison, you could get very sick. Always ask someone you love before put anything in your mouth.

And since your friends were caring enough to let you test out these mysterious edibles, you should replace the phrase "someone you love" with "Andy."

Because, you know, I would have offered the appropriate advice from the get-go rather than let you eat the contents of the package on my doorstep, cross my fingers, and release a sigh of relief when you don't croak.

But what do you guys think? If you found a package of cookies on your front doorstep without any label describing who it was to/from, would you eat it?

Leave your answer in the comments section below!

Friday, April 16, 2010

That's what she said

I discovered this little gem while at post-exam karaoke on Monday. J-Rock and I were literally floored that BSB had a song with this title and that it was unknown to all of us (especially since J-Rock the Backstreet Boys' biggest fan). How could they have predicted that the song title for this innocent ballad about lost love would one day be reduced to a cheap dirty joke made by thirteen-year-old boys? Glorious.

That same night, I was teaching Mello a classic game to play with fortune cookies - adding "in bed" to your fortune. Like "that's what she said", the amusement stems from making an otherwise innocuous phrase deeply suggestive (and it almost always works). For instance, "Good health will be yours for a long time in bed." Guess whoever received that fortune will be saving a buck on Cialis.

I decided to try the same game with my newly discovered BSB favourite - making it as suggestive as its title by adding "in bed" to (almost) every line. Let's see how it works! [Commentary in square brackets]

There are people that say what you wanna hear in bed [the fakers]
Even on a raining day they'll tell you the sky is clear
When you really really love someone in bed [sexual soul mates?]
Am I right when I say that you want them near in bed?
And if you can't even tell them things that they wanna hear in bed

Always, forever in bed
All things she said in bed
Never say never in bed [said Tiger]
Those simple lies that she fed in bed [oh no!]
I will never leave you in bed [go again?]
All the love I thought she had in bed
But can you blame me in bed, no
Cuz that's what she said in bed
That's what she said in bed
She told me we'd see forever in bed
That's what she said, she said in bed, yeah

And there are people that say what they really mean in bed
She said she'd always be there in bed
She said she'd always care in bed
But just when you think that you can
Trust that someone you love in bed [first timer]
Tell me why in bed, or do you know
How stars can fall from above in bed? [the song's climax]

Cuz you made promises in bed
That you couldn't keep [performance anxiety?]
But you're not hurting yourself in bed
You're only hurting me in bed [a little too rough?]
Why would you say things that you really didn't mean in bed?
Oh how can I make you see
Just what you did to me in bed?
Oh, you said how much you really cared in bed
Just when I thought I was in love in bed
Girl, how could you dare in bed?
If I were you I could not lie even once in bed
To the face of the one
That I love so much in bed

Not too bad, eh? I think it's much better than the original.

Oh grow up, Andy.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Um, are we still talking about doing laundry?

With Stewie, somehow it always comes to this. From MSN:

Stewie: I can pile up 3 loads of laundry before I run out of clothes/socks/underwear

Stewie: Right now I'm at 2 loads... Maybe not even - 1.9

Andy: Hahaha, well then still got a load left

Andy: So no worries

Stewie: Yeah, but I don't want to use up all my loads...

Stewie: At once

Stewie: If you know what I mean

Stewie: (and I mean laundry...)

Andy: Don't worry - you're young, it'll just come back fast again

Andy: If you know what I mean

Andy: (and I mean dirty clothes...)

Stewie: lol, actually but seriously though

Stewie: I know some guys who can only... like you know

Stewie: like 1-2 times a day

Andy: Do laundry?

Stewie: No, the other thing

Something tells me we're not talking about laundry anymore.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Um, are we still talking about pharmacotherapy?

You may remember that when Stewie sits beside me, shit goes down. Today, we were learning about the clinical use of drugs. If you introduce drugs to a therapy-naive patient at the regular dose, it can take quite a few doses for the drugs to reach a steady therapeutic level in the body. As such, it is often prudent to provide a loading dose to hasten the drug reaching the appropriate level before continuing with the regular dosing schedule. This can be done by making the first dose a "double dose" or "DD" as the lecturer short-handed on the slide.

Stewie reached over and wrote, "I love DD." Then he added, "(double dose)"

Andy: I don't know. I think double-D is a bit too much.

Stewie: You like it a bit lower eh?

Andy: I just like things to be... natural.

Stewie: Ah, you know, you look like an A student to me.

Andy: A? Well, I can settle for B's and C's.

Stewie: No, I can do B's and C's. You're too high an achiever. A's for you.

Something tells me we're not talking about drug doses anymore.

Monday, April 12, 2010

You never forget your first

Things I've learned talking to doctors: You never forget your first.

You never forget your first pap smear. Mine was on a hooker at Anonymous Hospital. They hired her for the students to practice on.

You never forget the first time you draw blood. Back in my day, the students had to practice on each other. I practiced on Jane Smith. I eventually got it, but I really hurt her.

We've come a long way.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Let's end this war!

With my second Foundations of Medical Practice exam imminent, I've learned a lot about what constitutes a Trauma Team. I'll have to admit that it's nothing like this video game.

That said, I'm actually really excited for this game to come out, and I'm sure it'll be full of highly entertaining and medically inaccurate procedures. From CT scan diagnosis to plate-screw orthopedic fixation, it covers a wide swath of my medical knowledge. Yet with my expertise still too gestational to pick up on all the flaws, I'm sure I'll be highly impressed and amused - and not just by the saucy trauma surgeons. I mean, this isn't Grey's.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Boy 2 Man

J-Rock came to class on Monday sporting a dress shirt, jeans, and runners in preparation for a lunch date with one of his friends. Being a departure from his usual t-shirt and shorts apparel, Yuffie immediately spoke up:

Yuffie: Hey, why are you so dressed up today?

J-Rock: Ah, crud. You can tell? I got dressed this morning and I was like, "Yeah, maybe I can just pull off the dress shirt look. Maybe nobody will notice." Clearly not.

Several minutes later, Mello and Yubin came in and sat down behind us:

Mello: Hey J-Rock! Why are you so dressed up today?

J-Rock: Dammit! Does nobody just think that I can dress like an adult for no reason?

Be a man. Wear the right thing.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

He or She?

In my third lecture of the day, this individual appeared in front of me. Wearing a hipster scarf and shoulder-length bobcut, I was briefly confused as to a) who this person was and b) whether they were male or female.

Their back was broad and male-like, but their arms looked slender. They also had a purse (or purse-like shoulderbag) which they spent the duration of the lecture sewing.

My confusion quickly subsided, and I will assure you that from the front, there is no question as to whether this individual is a man or a woman. I'm sure they're also a very nice person. That said, take your guesses -- masculine lady? Feminine man? When you're ready for the answer...

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Epic Master Fail

Mello doesn't get jokes. She's also never watched Star Wars. As such, J-Rock and I have decided that were she a Jedi, her name would be Master Fail. Furthermore, because so many of Master Fail's missed punchlines are epic fails, we have elected to refer to her with the full respect which she deserves - Epic Master Fail. Oh yes, that's going to stick.

The other day, Mello told me a story about J-Rock's own epic fail. Last year, while taking part in a clinical skills small group, J-Rock flipped over his hospital badge to look at the backside. On the reverse of all hospital badges are a list of colour codes. For instance, Code Red refers to fire. The oft heard Code Blue stands for cardiac arrest.

Code Pink: Neonatal arrest

"I don't understand," exclaimed J-Rock. "Why would anyone want to arrest babies?!" Chuckles all around. "No, I'm serious! Why would they do that?" The laughter faded as his small group realized he was serious. Some time was then spent explaining that "arrest" didn't involve the police in this context.

Mello: That's like EPIC MASTER FAIL!

Andy: Well, that is an epic fail on J-Rock's part.

Mello: No! It's an epic master fail!

Andy: Dude, Epic Master Fail is your name - it's not an adjective.

Oh, that was epic, Master Fail.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Now that's a trailer

My brother's game is coming out in 8 days, so rife with Jack Bauer-inspired torture and violence that even though he's sunk four and a half years of his life into it, he still questions the creative content. J-Rock will love it.

I just finished watching the launch trailer and I have four words to say: This. Game. Is. Badass.

Michael Ironside ftw. Such a dramatic voice.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

It's like Russian Roulette when you're placing your bets...

Image source.

There's a new and unhealthy trend building on the Internet, and it's called Chat Roulette. This website pairs you with a random stranger with which to webcam. Don't like what you see? Click next and move on. Anonymous, uninhibited webcam shenanigans with strangers.

Earlier this week, Sandlot tweeted the following thread: "Still haven't been on chatroulette... but quite intrigued now" along with the link to the following Tumblr address: http://chatroulette.tumblr.com/

(Apparently, Tumblr is the new hot blogging site. Both Sandlot and Mello have started one in the last week.)

This blog contains screenshots and videos of hundreds or thousands of Chat Roulette encounters. Should you be fascinated? If fascinated means mortified, then yes. If fascinated means you actually want to try this ridiculous piece of Internet trash, then I have to beg you - please, no.

After extensive browsing of these screenshots, I can reliably comment on the types of people who frequent Chat Roulette. Let me describe the demographic:
  1. 8/10 are perverted teenage boys or old men.
  2. Of these, 9/10 will ask to see your tits.
  3. 5/10 males will be shirtless.
  4. Of these, 5/10 will be lying on a bed or couch.
  5. 1/10 will be naked.
  6. Of these, 9/10 will have their dick flopped out.
  7. 1/100 will jack off in front of you.
  8. 1/100 will be on the toilet.
Readers, if these are the people you want to interact with, I'm going to have to reconsider our friendship/relationship/acquaintance.
  1. 1/10 are girls or ladies looking for kicks.
  2. Of these 1/100 will acquiesce and show you their tits.
  3. 1/1000 will be masturbating.
  4. 1/10,000 will be having active coitus.
  5. 1/100,000 will be having it with an animal.
This is, of course, what draws the horny teenage boys and perverted old men.
  1. 1/10 just want to get another use out of their Fan Expo costume.
If I haven't managed to deter you with these statistics, then maybe Brutus can convince you with the following link: "Show me your boobs or the bird dies!"

Besides, if you thought you were bearing your bust anonymously, think again.

The only thing that might make Chat Roulette seem even remotely worth trying is this:
  1. 1/1,000,000,000 times you'll end up at a Ben Folds concert.
  2. 999/1000 people he chats with won't know who he is.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Dork I am, dork will be

Lifted from Windows Live Messenger GChat:
Sam: I was just catching up on reading my Google Reader

Sam: I saw 20 new posts from your blog that I haven't read

Sam: So I skimmed through them

Sam: It was heartwarming, lol

Andy: Hahahaha, was it?

Andy: How so?

Sam: Yeah, well...

Sam: It just reminded me of how dorky you are

Sam: And how long we haven't seen each other

Friday, April 2, 2010

April Fools round-up

Since the advent of the Internet, April Fools has taken on a whole new life that can be enjoyed inclusively from the comfort of one's computer desk. If you've been following my Twitter account, you've taken part in the entertaining gags as I've discovered them. If you haven't, here are some of my favourite videos from this year's April Fools...


iPhone move over - Google proves that its Android technology is ready to dominate the smartphone application market just like they have pwned all things Internet. Ever wanted to know what your cat or dog was thinking? Look no further than Google Translate for Animals. Although, depending on the quality of your pet, it may not help much.


Sure, we've heard tales of geeks falling in love over World of Warcraft, meeting without superficial considerations like physical appearance or social awkwardness and cutting right to the meat of shared interests and superior raiding skills, but such stories are a rarity right? Not if Blizzard Entertainment can help it. Building on their Battle.net matchmaking technology for Warcraft and Starcraft games, Blizzard hopes to help their gamers find true love on the Internet. No eHarmony required.


Justin Bieber is a celebrity, and celebrities do whatever the f*ck they want, right? Here's a rare glimpse into the lifestyles of the rich and the famous. "I once ran into a club. They said, 'Sir, you're not old enough.' So I bought the club, and I made it a Chuck E Cheese. Now who's old enough, bitch?"

(This video linked courtesy of Bieber's biggest fan, Sandlot)


Lastly, I know this isn't April Fools related, but this is one of the coolest animated videos I've ever seen on YouTube. Stick Man vs Mouse Pointer. It's a bloodbath.

(This video linked courtesy of Ruru)

Thursday, April 1, 2010

The true face of Andy

So after 434 posts of Chronicle goodness, I've collected quite a following here on the Internets. While I've certainly enjoyed my anonymity, every so often, I get an e-mail from a random follower that reads something like this:

Dear Andy, I love your blog. How come you never post pictures of yourself? I'm sure behind your eloquent, super-brainy medical student writings you're one hot, sexy chap. Are you ever going to reveal your face to us? Your devoted fan, LengLui88 ♥

Well, not one to resist peer pressure, I've finally caved. Here's a picture of me taken this year enjoying the Toronto nightlife. I'm sure you can see why I've withheld my face from you - I want to be loved for the quality of my writing, not my superstar-level good looks. In fact, I'll probably take this photo down later as my anxiety over being identified by lurid Internet creepers builds up.

Having seen my face, you can probably understand a lot more about my life. Things that didn't quite make sense before are likely much clearer now - like how I made it into medical school or ended up dating such a ridiculously attractive and amazing girl as Sandlot.

Happy April Fools. Sorry, but how I landed such an incredible lady remains a mystery.