Monday, April 26, 2010

In need of anti-pyresis

With prepubescent teenage popstar Justin Bieber trending on Twitter worldwide everyday, this boy has accumulated quite the obsessive little fangirls. Someone seriously needs to start working on a treatment for this so-called Bieber Fever (several orders of magnitude more insidious than Giardia) because these cretins are becoming more rabid than Old Yeller.

I have my suspicions that my girlfriend may also be infected. When marking essay exam questions as part of her TA-ship, she stumbled upon a young lad whose answer to world inequality and poverty was, "Justin Bieber should not exist." Fair enough, right? She almost failed him.

Today, in possibly one of the most deceptively titled articles ever, the CBC reported on "Bieber's Aussie show cancelled by fan crush." Because I like to keep an eye on this sixteen-year-old love rival, I clicked the link, expecting to see that Bieber's concert had been canceled over some crazy twenty-three-year-old stalker or some such thing. In fact, the concert was not canceled due to a "fan crush" but rather due to "fans being crushed."

Yes, apparently those teen Aussie girls got so excited that they trampled over one another in a mad rush to see B-boy and secure his affections.

By 3 a.m. local time Monday, police estimated that a crowd of more than 3,000 fans — mostly young teenage girls — were pushing up against the safety barriers. The number later grew to an estimated 5,000 fans.

Dyspnea is a well-documented symptom of Bieber Fever. It results from centrally-mediated respiratory dysfunction secondary to frontal lobe damage.

According to reports, eight fans were taken to hospital for minor injuries, while dozens of others were treated on-site for hyperventilation.

For his part, Bieber didn't seem distressed that his crazy fangirls were bludgeoning each other underfoot, nor did he seem to express any concern about his eight potential lovers that were hospitalized (I guess there's 4992 where those came from). Instead, he confessed his dismay that this unfortunate distraction had prevented him from serenading the crowd. Obviously, he would have been content to continue singing with eight fewer fans.

The 16-year-old Bieber posted a message about his disappointment at the cancellation on Twitter.

"I woke up this morning to the police cancelling the show for safety reasons," he wrote. "I love it here in Australia ... and I want to sing."

I blame society for this epidemic. Seriously parents, you need to take preventative measures! Vaccinate your children against Bieber Fever or treat them symptomatically with close follow-up. This, incidentally, is how I'm treating Sandlot's chronic infection.

Police blamed lack of parental supervision and the disorderly crowd for the crush, with Deputy Police Commissioner Dave Owens describing the situation as out of control.

Bieber has more fans than Bono - or at least, his fans are nuttier.

"We hired the professionals who look after U2, Coldplay, Pink — the big acts," Sunrise weather presenter Grant Denyer told the Australian Broadcasting Corporation.

"Even they weren't equipped and just couldn't handle the Bieber fever."

Dear AstraZeneca or GlaxoSmithKline - you heard it first here: Get on this epidemic before it gets out of hand and you will have a lucrative patent on your hands. Fail to react, and we are all doomed.


sandlot said...

When marking essay exam questions as part of her TA-ship, she stumbled upon a young lad whose answer to world inequality and poverty was, "Justin Bieber should not exist." Fair enough, right? She almost failed him.

okay, for the record:
1) this student was stupid
2) he failed at making a funny
3) no one gets away with talking shit about my future boyfriend* in two years time**.

This also isn't the first time that bieber fans have been crushed/trampled by other fans. I think it happened at a mall? And Bieber's manager now has a criminal record or something. I don't know how I know these things.

*Dependent on how puberty treats him
**I'm sorry you had to find out about this through your blog, Andy. Bahahahhaha jks jks.

Jerry said...

Right after I saw Justin BEAVER in the pic at the beginning of this post, I knew I wasn't going to read it lol. Maybe it's cuz I am jealous of his good looks and popularity among males and females of all ages.

But oh well, there can only be one alpha male!