Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I'm a preclerk

Stewie petitioned me to compose some sort of rhyme for our class newspaper. I, being the fool, agreed and spent all afternoon teasing lyrics out of this migrainous head of mine. In fact, I think it might be a bit too sarcastic for such a serious publication, but whether or not it ever sees print, I've done my part. Here it is for you:

To the tune of Denis Leary's I'm an Asshole:

Folks, I’d like to sing you a song about the professional dream
About me, about you
About the way our scholastic hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests
About that special feeling we get in the apex of our hearts
Maybe below the apex
Maybe in the costo-phrenic area,
Maybe in the ego, maybe in the superego
Maybe even in the perineum, we don’t know

I’m just a regular bloke, with a CMA sack
I’m your average vain and OCD quack
I like singing, fundraising, and advocacy
I’ve got my research in journals to pad my CV
My ophthalmoscope, my pocket eye chart
My big Queen’s Square hammer and my lab coat look smart

But sometimes that just ain’t enough to get a chum like me residency
(Oh no, no way, uh uh)
No I gotta go out there and look smart at someone else’s expense
(Whoa yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah)
I can’t remember any lessons from class
When I’m pimped out I cry “Lupus!” to pass

I’m a preclerk (He’s a preclerk)
I’m a preclerk (He’s a preclerk, such a preclerk)

Flash my hospital card when I go to the pub
I shimmy up and drop the M-bomb saying, “How about some love?”

I’m a preclerk (He’s a preclerk)
I’m a preclerk (He’s the world’s finest preclerk)

I act real keen in PBL cases
While PBL tutors make delighted faces

I’m a preclerk (He’s a preclerk)
I’m a preclerk (He’s a sweet-talking preclerk)

Maybe I shouldn’t be singing this song
Schmoozing, butt-kissing and carrying on
Maybe they’re right when they tell me I’m wrong

I’m a preclerk (He’s a preclerk)
I’m a preclerk (He’s the world’s slyest preclerk)

You know what I’m going to do?
I’m going to join a student interest group in my specialty
Be the president, with lots of speakers
All residency committee members
And makes sure they’d all want to go camping with me (yeah)
And I’m going to stare down all the other students
If they’re interested in my specialty
Sucking down Iced Caps and donuts from Tim Horton’s
In large-size Roll Up the Rim cups
And when I’m done infusing my blood with caffeine
I’m going to take my pulse to practice for ASCM
And I’ll note the palpitations I’m having about clerkship
Because I can’t remember a gosh-darn thing from lecture
You know why? Because I crammed, that’s why
2 words: Grey’s freaking Anatomy, okay?
Taylor, Latta, Schreiber – they all told me to study ahead
They can take away my TV have a big study party
Right in the middle of Toronto General Med Ed
And it won’t make a lick of difference
Because I’m still going to cram, okay?
Preston Burke’s not dead, he just got kicked off the show for homophobia
But that’s okay because the new cardiothoracic surgeon is super hot
You know how?
Take Pamela Anderson in a labcoat and multiply her IQ by 15 million times
That’s how hot the new surgeon is!
I’m going to learn to cut and suture
And perform appendectomies, Whipples, IL-2 therapy,
And trach someone with a pen…

(Hey! You know, you really are a preclerk!)
Why don’t you just shut up and sing the song, pal?
I’m a preclerk (He’s a preclerk)
I’m a preclerk (He’s the world’s finest preclerk)


I’m a preclerk and I’m proud of it

1 comment:

sandlot said...

I think this is brilliant.

Judging from your tweet, it looks like it won't be published? Why don't you submit it elsewhere?