Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Kicked in the balls

...the bowling balls, that is.

Not too long ago, Brutus (Turtle), Sydney, and I went bowling. We were all a little rusty on our game: Brutus confessed he was a "terrible bowler." Sydney radiated more of the "hardcore" aura since she owned her own pair of bowling shoes. I personally am a somewhat schizophrenic bowler - I have, on occasion, been really "on" my game, and at other times, immensely "off."

Anyways, that day was decidedly "off." I came embarrassingly in last place in both games we played. Brutus, on the other hand, proved deceptively adept. He lost to Sydney in the first game then came up from behind and destroyed us in the second game with a whopping 130. Two strikes lined up with two spares and a plethora of one-offs. Beginner my arse.

I came home with a high score of 97. I didn't think it was that bad, but Sandlot, being the loving girlfriend that she is, instantly derided my score. "Wow, that's your highest? So low..." She claimed that thought she hadn't bowled in many years, her average score was probably around 120. I think she confused real life with Wii Bowling. In any case, I set my new goal to destroy my significant other in bowling when the opportunity arose.

So, this past week, Sandlot and I had our first ever bowling date night. All I can say is, if I was "off" my game that night with Brutus and Syd... I was off, face-flat on the ground, and six feet under my game this night. Playing in an unfamiliar bowling alley, it took me awhile to catch a decent stride in our first game, and by that time it was too late for me to catch up, even with a spare or two. Sandlot, the bowling goddess between the two of us, had landed a couple of strikes to secure her victory.

That's okay, though. We had agreed to play best out of three. All warmed up, the second game would be a shoe in, right? Gutter. Gutter. Gutter. Gutter. Seriously, but the end of my fourth of ten rounds, I had achieved the paltry and demeaning score of 2, that is, two. What. The. Fudge?!

I managed to pick up my game for the next few rounds, leading with a spare and following up with a couple of one-offs. Sandlot's game also began to falter a bit. In the end it came down to Sandlot's final shot at victory - the score tied at 55 to 55. Much to my chagrin, she managed to hit a SINGLE FREAKING PIN and gutter the rest. 56 to 55. I lost.

I'd like to say that with a pathetic and puny little score like 56, Sandlot is not really in a position to judge my now lofty looking 97. That's what I'd like to say, but I cannot. Broken and defeated, I can only admit that Sandlot, between the two of us, is bowling lord, lady, and goddess. She's also wonderful, intelligent, attractive, witty (in a punishingly sarcastic manner), entertaining, tall, and I want ass sausage.


sandlot said...

Excellent post, especially the last paragraph.

You know, I considered pummeling you in the second game. But I decided that maybe it would be better if we finished with a narrow gap between our scores. Therefore, this meant lowering my bowling average from 120 to 56. I don't confuse my wii bowling score with real life. Yes.... this is the truth... the absolute truth... doot doot doot.

You also want an ass sausage? What the?!!

Michael said...

Out-of-place reference to anal sex at the very end FTW.